The Farm House

When we got Elmo as a puppy, it took him less than a week to fully train me. Just so's you know.

Since I'd listed the horses with the Arizona Film commission, I decided I should start training them to do silly stuff. They already do silly stuff, mind you, just not on cue. A friend of mine has a flock of sheep that chase her golf cart. I thought it would be cute if I could get the horses to chase my quad.

I started with a bucket full of Nicker Makers horse treats. That was 6 days ago. I need more Nicker Makers. I don't know what is in those treats but I honestly think I could train the ponies to stand on their heads for the mere price of a Nicker Maker treat.

I got on Minerva, my green Honda Recon, packed the bucket of Nicker Makers and drove out to the first paddock. I called Honey and Blondie, shaking the bucket of treats. It took them a few minutes to decide I was serious and then they ambled over. They didn't particularly care for the noise and the smell of the quad, but "HEY! She's got TREATS!"  They quickly decided the noise and exhaust were not a problem because TREATS were involved. 

I drove a few feet down their fence line and called them again. They ambled up and got another treat. I went around the corner of their fence and stopped at the end of their paddock. This time I didn't even have to call them. The treat wagon had stopped so they came at a speedy walk for their treat. I repeated this at Handsome's paddock, and again at Lucy, Blaze and Martini's fence line. Very happy horses. Even Martini was willing to brave Minerva's noxious fumes and terrifying growl for a Nicker Maker.

I repeated this process the 2nd day and the horses actually trotted to me when I called them and followed me along the fence lines. The 3rd day those hooved rocket scientists chased me along the fence line, would set their butts down and do a quarter turn that would make a cutting horse jealous when I'd hit my brake.

Today John opened the paddock fence and I went inside the paddocks with the horses. Imagining my friends sheep, I had visions of my little horses chasing me round and round and round the paddocks. That's exactly how it went too, for the first two rounds. But you see, it turns out that my horses are both faster and smarter than sheep. You'd think by now I should know that if I make a plan for the horses, they will change that plan.

Mid-way through the third round in Lucy's paddock, Lucy had enough of playing "Chase The Treatmobile".  The lightbulb went on in her pretty blonde head and she ran directly in front of the quad, made a beautiful turn on her haunches and brought me to a screeching halt. At that point she calmly put her head over my handle bars and said "Treat?" I held the treat out to the side of the quad and she walked over and got it. I started to go again, she raced ahead of me, put on her brakes, turned to face me and stopped me again. "Just stay put and gimme the treat" she said. I did as I was told.

Okay, Lucy isn't Alpha Mare for nothing. She's a smart horse. I moved on to Handsome's paddock. Handsome is our black stallion. He's gorgeous. He's evil. Handsome chased me too. I only made one circuit of Handsome's paddock before he figured out how to stop the Treatmobile. "Okay Bub, I ain't gonna let a horse outsmart me. Minerva has a reverse." With Handsome standing in front of me, I put the quad into reverse and sped away from him. His face registered surprise for a fleeting second before he charged past me, ran behind the quad and forced me to stop. I went forward again and within 20 feet he'd caught me and stopped Minerva again. After putting it into reverse twice, Handsome learned the SOUND of the gear shifting and would already be well on the way to heading me off by the time I got 6 feet.

I reckon the "trick" I taught them, wasn't to chase the quad, but rather to hold up the Treat Stage Coach. All they need are black hats and six guns.